We grew up on jokes and commentary about women faking orgasms. Remember Meg Ryan’s restaurant faking scene in When Harry Met Sally? Studies show that up to 80% of women fake, or have faked, orgasms. There are a wide range of reasons why women do this, but we are indicating to our partner (and ourselves) that we are climaxing when we very seriously are not. A few months ago, Em Rata made a Tik Tok about how women talking to each other about sex is like salary transparency. Women are having a bit of a sex renaissance; sharing what gets them off (and what icks them), what porn they watch, that thing this guy did in bed that was mind-altering. But, if we’re playing into the Em Rata salary transparency metaphor- what if your friend is lying about her “salary” without even knowing? And, do men ever know that we’re faking? 

I’m ready to clear my guilty conscience. Here I am admitting that I faked orgasms for nearly the first decade I was having sex. 

In high school, when I was just becoming sexually active, this had deeper implications than I could have imagined. I had no idea I wasn’t orgasming. I didn’t understand what was happening with my body, I just knew it was new and I liked it and it felt really good. So, because I felt cool and sexually liberated and also didn’t know what the heck I was talking about, I told all of my friends that I was orgasming when I had sex. I mean at first I really thought I was LOL. I spent years of my life lying repeatedly to ex boyfriends, and my friends, and honestly myself about whether I was finishing during sex. And this did damage. 

I’ve had more recent conversations with my friends lately about how they thought there was something wrong with their bodies because they weren’t orgasming during sex and “I was.” In reality, most women cannot orgasm from only penetration. It took me quite a while to even realize I wasn’t coming. One day I heard on a podcast, “if you’re not sure if you’re coming, you’re probably not,” and my world turned upside down. I bought a vibrator and quickly realized what the f was, or more of was NOT, going on. 

Even after coming to this realization, I felt like I was in too deep to stop faking. How was I going to tell my then-boyfriend I actually had not been coming for the entirety of our relationship? So, I continued my way of faking Os. 

When I met my current boyfriend, I faked an orgasm very early on. After sex, he told me he knew I hadn’t really orgasmed and that I shouldn’t fake it with him. This opened up a healthy convo about sex and what we like. I felt so embarrassed in that moment, but I’m really glad he called me out. I have since come to the decision that I will not be faking an O again. Not only is it a detriment to me and my pleasure, but it hinders men in learning how to get their partners off. 

My friends and I chat a lot more about sex now, and we always wonder if guys can really tell if we’re faking it. Do men know we’re faking orgasms? It seems like sometimes they do, and sometimes they don’t. We perused reddit to get some answers:

“If she’s good at faking it, you can’t tell.”

“You'll never really know. Best route is to talk to her and make it clear that her enjoyment is important to you but you also don't want to pressure her. There are lots of reasons women fake it, so some assume it's some failing on your part. It's definitely good to be concerned that you're missing something, but if she says you're good, then you have to take her at her word and if she's not being honest then it's on her.”

“Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Why would you want to fake it, though? You're better off finding a relationship where you can be honest about what feels or doesn't. You'll have a better time, your partner will have an easier time getting you off with open communication, and nobody will need to lie.”

“Women have involuntary contractions in their lower stomach/pelvis that you'll notice if you're putting in good work. It's not so much about noise as it is about what their body is doing.”

“I think a man may be able to tell, but only if she is his regular partner, he knows her, her body, the way she moves, breathes, etc... and has been paying attention to all these things over the course of weeks, months, years.”

“Some think we can. I'll say an attentive partner will notice things like skin temp, how moist and tight the skin all over the body is, pupil dilation and other body reactions. Things like the vocals, thrashing around, quicker breathing can be faked.”

This reddit user said it best: 

“The problem with faking is that everybody loses. He thinks he's doing everything right, so he's not going to change. You aren't getting satisfied, and so he's never going to know he's not satisfying you, he won't change anything he does, and you will remain unsatisfied.”

That being said, here are some tips and tricks to stop faking– because everyone deserves to orgasm. 

• explore your own body 
• communicate how you get off
• bring toys in the bedroom
• pick a partner who cares